sketch: pope factor

This sketch got pretty good feedback from newsrevue.   They were running their own popefactor sketch.   Different aspect.   I focused on judges they were focusing on individuals.   Was still pretty happy with it though.

Was starting to feel my writing was improving

Pope Factor

JOHN SMITH:             Welcome to the Pope Factor, the auditions.   Let’s see which one of the hopefuls makes it through to Conclave.

PLAY X-Factor music

NICOLE:                      What’s your name?

CARDINAL:                 Cardinal Goody-two-shoesy-o.   This is my dream all I ever wanted.   God told me to come to the auditons today.

NICOLE:                      Okay, sweetie, sing your song!!!

CARDINAL:                 Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya

NICOLE:                      Stop, stop!!!!   No, baby, no!!!  
We’re not looking for Psalms.
We’re looking for something Psalm-az-ing!!!

                                      Gary, what do you think?

GARY:                          My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the papacy business, don't. 

CARDINAL X:             Hello, I’m Cardinal O’Malley.  I’ve been Choirmaster for the teenage trainee priest programme with cardinal o’brien for the last 10 years.

Nicole:                         All the girls and buys at home are gonna love him.

GARY:                          I think that might be the problem!!!!

NICOLE:                      So what’s your name, my little sweetie balls?

BEELZEBUB:             I am Satan, the Dark Lord!!!

LOUIS:                         Dark Lord, I actually think you might be the dark horse of this competition.

NICOLE:                      So what makes you think you have the pope-factor.

BEELZEBUB:             It’s all I ever wanted.   It’s been my dream since I was a small spawn.

NICOLE:                      You’re so cute, you’re like a little devil.   You can be my little Satanballs.   You’re through to Conclave.

LOUIS:                   I think he’s a little less controversial than the last pope we had.

JESUS:                        Hi, I’m Cardinal Jesus.

NICOLE:                      What are you gonna sing?

<to the tune of 500 miles>

JESUS:                        If I would have 5 hundred fish and you would need 5 thousand more.   I could be the man that’d turn a thousand fish and loaves down on the shore.

NICOLE:                      Oh no sweetie, we want something a little less proclaimer and a little more saviour.

LOUIS:                         Well, you look like a pope-star and sound like a pope-star to me.

                                      I want you in my final three!!!

GARY:                          The papacy needs to move forward.   You’d still have him turning water into wine.   Who’s next?

CARDINAL

ANGELO:                    I’m Cardinal Angelo

NICOLE:                      Now sweetie.   We want to avoid any scandals.   No choir boys, no priests?

ANGELO:                    I’m Italian.   I only do heterosexual scandals with my buddy Silvio.
Now, how you doin’?

NICOLE:                      Well, it’s a yes, yes, yes (screaming slightly) from me

LOUS:                          Pick up the phones and vote for him, he’s a yes from me.

GARY:                          You’ve got a holy trinity of yes’s, you’re through to conclave.

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

sketch: wonga.com

This was played at Newsrevue for 3 weeks.   4 shows a week.   Pretty pleased with that.   

And I got to see it performed, pretty amazing!!!!

WONGA.COM

PARODY OF THE WONGA.COM ADVERTS

JOYCE AND BETTY ARE THE 2 OLD DEARS FROM THE WONGA ADVERTS

GEORGE IS GEORGE OSBORN BUT IS EARL FROM THE ADVERT

JOYCE:                        Where's George?

BETTY:                        Oh, he's off looking for little pots of gold at the end of rainbows. 

JOYCE:                        Oh!!

BETTY:                        Now that we have lost our AAA status, we can't borrow any money to prop up our currency.
He's hoping if he finds a little pot of gold, he can sell it to Cash4LeprechaunGold.
If we can’t find more money, Interest rates will sky rocket!! 

JOYCE:                        Oh Betty.   We can solve all George's problems with an even higher form of interest rate.

JOYCE:                        A loan from Wonka.com
(beat)
using their online sliders. We'll just ask for 10 billion and payback 300 billion in 2.5 years time.

BETTY:                        I see, so paying it back will be the problem of the next government.

JOYCE:                        Yes, we call it the Election Day loan.

                                      No hidden charges or nasty surprises.

                                      For this government.
(..)
The next one is stuffed.

GEORGE:                   Fiddledee….

<interrupts>

BETTY:                        George, you can stop pretending to be a leprechaun

GEORGE:                   No, I was planning the budget
Fiddledee books 
Fiddledee books

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

sketch: pope's last day at work

I think this was recorded by newsjack and cut as well.    Third week of wriitng, was pretty pleased :)

Pope's last day at work

AIDE:                            So last day at work pope, we’ve just got one last mass to do and we’re done.

POPE:                          No, I think I want to watch a video.

AIDE:                            Well, you can’t!!!

POPE:                          Well, I’m still in-charge and I wanna watcha video.
I was thinking
(beat)
Nuns-On-The-Run

                                      Oh, that whoopi Goldberg, I’d like to make some whoopy with her

<shocked>

AIDE:                            Pope!!!  Three Hail Mary’s for that sort of talk

<excited>

POPE:                          Three Mary’s, now we’re talking!!!

AIDE:                            Enough of that Pope.  You’re still pope until tomorrow.  So behave like it.

                                      Please tell me you are not planning any last day pranks? We still haven’t recovered from that fake shroud that Pope Gregory 12^th left in Turin when he resigned.  

POPE:                          I was thinking of maybe walking on water later.  I saw dynamo the magician do this on the river thames.  It’s a good trick!! 

AIDE:                            Oh God!!!

POPE:                          Hey, if you wanna speak to him, you still have to come through me, well until tomorrow at least.

AIDE:                            Sorry your holyness!!!

POPE:                          It’s okay!!!  Shall we play a board game?  Isn’t it traditional to play games on your last day?

AIDE:                            Ludo?

POPE:                          I was thinking (…) Risk.

                                      I will place my armies in Europe.

<sighs, nostgalically>

                                      ah, this reminds me of my youth.

POPE:                          Are you going to come along to my leaving do tonight?

                                      I was thinking some brandy and cigars with the cardinals

AIDE:                            You can’t have cigars; those idiots outside will think we’ve elected another pope!!!

                                      Anyways with all these scandals, the cardinals shouldn’t really be seen drinking.

POPE:                          hey, it’s okay; I will just bless some of the wine.   We’ll call it communion.

AIDE:                            I’m sorry Pope, we can’t come but we’re all gonna miss you though.   The cardinals signed this bible for you as a small momento.
I don’t think Cardinal O’Brien is happy with you though.

POPE:                          I can see that.
Pope Eunt Domus.

                                      They Pope House.
I think he means “Pope go Home”

                                      It should say Pope Vade in domum       .
Brien should know much better than that!!

 <Excitedly>

                                      Make him write it out properly a 100 times before I go or I’ll cut his balls off.

<please note the last bit is a take on the monty python life of brian

scene, hopefully it’s not too subtle>

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

sketch: ways to avoid drone attacks

This sketch was recorded by newsjack and cut in the edit.   Was pretty pleased with that :)   This was my third week of sketch writing.

JUSTIN:                       The following is an intercepted al-qaeda broadcast on 22 ways of dodging drone attacks.

Done in the style on a 1960’s public service informational broadcast.

ANNOUNCER:           When discovering that a drone is after a car
(beat)
leave the car

ANNOUNCER:           Deceive the drone by entering places of multiple entrances and exits

Play Benny Hill music with F/X of doors opening and closing interchangeably

ANNOUNCER:           Formation of fake gatherings such as using dolls and statutes to mislead the enemy

In the style of an imaginary tea-party, childish voice

CHILDISH VOICE:     Would Islamabad Barbie like a cup of tea?
Gosh, thank you Ken Hamza. You are too kind!

ANNOUNCER:           Hide behind the leaves of any large plants.   Or hide in suits of Armour

SCOOBY DOO

VOICE:                         Raggy!!!! He went that a way!!!

F/X – Scampering twinkle twinkle running noise they use in Scooby Doo

                                     

ANNOUNCER:           Using general confusion methods

BORIS JOHNSON:    Pom, Pom, Pom!!!  
Look, a bloody fox!! 
Pom, Pom, Pom

ANNOUNCER:           And finally the best way to avoid drones, is to stop being a terrorist.  Re-channel that anger!!!  Become an MP for UKIP.

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved