Some of the sketches that I've written

So I thought I would post some of my sketches earlier that i've written in the past month that have had some decent success :)

Vampire Benefit Tourists - was performed by The Treason Show in March 2013

Wonga.com - was performed by newsrevue for 3 weeks in March 2013

Pope's last day at work - I think was recorded but cut by newsjack

Pope Factor - good feedback from newsrevue although not taken as they were running their own pope factor type sketches

ways to avoid drone attacks - recorded but cut in the edit by newsjack


aaaaand here are the ones that didn't have so much success :)

russian meteories

disneyladen

jocklands

lunchpod

missile defence

There are a few sketches that I haven't published, i.e. the recent ones that are submitted for other shows etc.

I will try and publish them later at an appropriate time.

Hope that you enjoy them

sketch: pope factor

This sketch got pretty good feedback from newsrevue.   They were running their own popefactor sketch.   Different aspect.   I focused on judges they were focusing on individuals.   Was still pretty happy with it though.

Was starting to feel my writing was improving

Pope Factor

JOHN SMITH:             Welcome to the Pope Factor, the auditions.   Let’s see which one of the hopefuls makes it through to Conclave.

PLAY X-Factor music

NICOLE:                      What’s your name?

CARDINAL:                 Cardinal Goody-two-shoesy-o.   This is my dream all I ever wanted.   God told me to come to the auditons today.

NICOLE:                      Okay, sweetie, sing your song!!!

CARDINAL:                 Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya

NICOLE:                      Stop, stop!!!!   No, baby, no!!!  
We’re not looking for Psalms.
We’re looking for something Psalm-az-ing!!!

                                      Gary, what do you think?

GARY:                          My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the papacy business, don't. 

CARDINAL X:             Hello, I’m Cardinal O’Malley.  I’ve been Choirmaster for the teenage trainee priest programme with cardinal o’brien for the last 10 years.

Nicole:                         All the girls and buys at home are gonna love him.

GARY:                          I think that might be the problem!!!!

NICOLE:                      So what’s your name, my little sweetie balls?

BEELZEBUB:             I am Satan, the Dark Lord!!!

LOUIS:                         Dark Lord, I actually think you might be the dark horse of this competition.

NICOLE:                      So what makes you think you have the pope-factor.

BEELZEBUB:             It’s all I ever wanted.   It’s been my dream since I was a small spawn.

NICOLE:                      You’re so cute, you’re like a little devil.   You can be my little Satanballs.   You’re through to Conclave.

LOUIS:                   I think he’s a little less controversial than the last pope we had.

JESUS:                        Hi, I’m Cardinal Jesus.

NICOLE:                      What are you gonna sing?

<to the tune of 500 miles>

JESUS:                        If I would have 5 hundred fish and you would need 5 thousand more.   I could be the man that’d turn a thousand fish and loaves down on the shore.

NICOLE:                      Oh no sweetie, we want something a little less proclaimer and a little more saviour.

LOUIS:                         Well, you look like a pope-star and sound like a pope-star to me.

                                      I want you in my final three!!!

GARY:                          The papacy needs to move forward.   You’d still have him turning water into wine.   Who’s next?

CARDINAL

ANGELO:                    I’m Cardinal Angelo

NICOLE:                      Now sweetie.   We want to avoid any scandals.   No choir boys, no priests?

ANGELO:                    I’m Italian.   I only do heterosexual scandals with my buddy Silvio.
Now, how you doin’?

NICOLE:                      Well, it’s a yes, yes, yes (screaming slightly) from me

LOUS:                          Pick up the phones and vote for him, he’s a yes from me.

GARY:                          You’ve got a holy trinity of yes’s, you’re through to conclave.

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

sketch: pope's last day at work

I think this was recorded by newsjack and cut as well.    Third week of wriitng, was pretty pleased :)

Pope's last day at work

AIDE:                            So last day at work pope, we’ve just got one last mass to do and we’re done.

POPE:                          No, I think I want to watch a video.

AIDE:                            Well, you can’t!!!

POPE:                          Well, I’m still in-charge and I wanna watcha video.
I was thinking
(beat)
Nuns-On-The-Run

                                      Oh, that whoopi Goldberg, I’d like to make some whoopy with her

<shocked>

AIDE:                            Pope!!!  Three Hail Mary’s for that sort of talk

<excited>

POPE:                          Three Mary’s, now we’re talking!!!

AIDE:                            Enough of that Pope.  You’re still pope until tomorrow.  So behave like it.

                                      Please tell me you are not planning any last day pranks? We still haven’t recovered from that fake shroud that Pope Gregory 12^th left in Turin when he resigned.  

POPE:                          I was thinking of maybe walking on water later.  I saw dynamo the magician do this on the river thames.  It’s a good trick!! 

AIDE:                            Oh God!!!

POPE:                          Hey, if you wanna speak to him, you still have to come through me, well until tomorrow at least.

AIDE:                            Sorry your holyness!!!

POPE:                          It’s okay!!!  Shall we play a board game?  Isn’t it traditional to play games on your last day?

AIDE:                            Ludo?

POPE:                          I was thinking (…) Risk.

                                      I will place my armies in Europe.

<sighs, nostgalically>

                                      ah, this reminds me of my youth.

POPE:                          Are you going to come along to my leaving do tonight?

                                      I was thinking some brandy and cigars with the cardinals

AIDE:                            You can’t have cigars; those idiots outside will think we’ve elected another pope!!!

                                      Anyways with all these scandals, the cardinals shouldn’t really be seen drinking.

POPE:                          hey, it’s okay; I will just bless some of the wine.   We’ll call it communion.

AIDE:                            I’m sorry Pope, we can’t come but we’re all gonna miss you though.   The cardinals signed this bible for you as a small momento.
I don’t think Cardinal O’Brien is happy with you though.

POPE:                          I can see that.
Pope Eunt Domus.

                                      They Pope House.
I think he means “Pope go Home”

                                      It should say Pope Vade in domum       .
Brien should know much better than that!!

 <Excitedly>

                                      Make him write it out properly a 100 times before I go or I’ll cut his balls off.

<please note the last bit is a take on the monty python life of brian

scene, hopefully it’s not too subtle>

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

sketch: ways to avoid drone attacks

This sketch was recorded by newsjack and cut in the edit.   Was pretty pleased with that :)   This was my third week of sketch writing.

JUSTIN:                       The following is an intercepted al-qaeda broadcast on 22 ways of dodging drone attacks.

Done in the style on a 1960’s public service informational broadcast.

ANNOUNCER:           When discovering that a drone is after a car
(beat)
leave the car

ANNOUNCER:           Deceive the drone by entering places of multiple entrances and exits

Play Benny Hill music with F/X of doors opening and closing interchangeably

ANNOUNCER:           Formation of fake gatherings such as using dolls and statutes to mislead the enemy

In the style of an imaginary tea-party, childish voice

CHILDISH VOICE:     Would Islamabad Barbie like a cup of tea?
Gosh, thank you Ken Hamza. You are too kind!

ANNOUNCER:           Hide behind the leaves of any large plants.   Or hide in suits of Armour

SCOOBY DOO

VOICE:                         Raggy!!!! He went that a way!!!

F/X – Scampering twinkle twinkle running noise they use in Scooby Doo

                                     

ANNOUNCER:           Using general confusion methods

BORIS JOHNSON:    Pom, Pom, Pom!!!  
Look, a bloody fox!! 
Pom, Pom, Pom

ANNOUNCER:           And finally the best way to avoid drones, is to stop being a terrorist.  Re-channel that anger!!!  Become an MP for UKIP.

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

sketch: russian meteorites

Another one of my early sketches.   This was at the time of the russian meteorites.  I submitted this to newsjack.   wasn't used :(

JUSTIN:                       A meteorite has crashed into the earth injuring hundreds of people.   We now cut across to Chelyabinsk for their reactions on seeing the meteorite.

<These should be done in the style of small interview snippet quotes.   Almost JackApp Style>.   Any cast member that can do a bad Russian accent could do the snippets.

RUSSIAN GIRL:         My son came into the room and said, “Mother, I can see a large bright glowing rock in the distance”.   I said aleksandr, do not worry, this is normal.   It’s just one of the rocks by the nuclear factory.

RUSSIAN GUY:          This meteorite has destroyed my factory.   I will now have to send my daughter into prostitution.   But worse, I will have to get a job with CompareTheMarket.   You stupid English, you think we all sound like meerkats.

RUSSIAN GUY:          At first we thought North Korea was testing their new long distance missile launch system, a giant catapult.

RUSSIAN GIRL:         My son was shouting, “the sky is falling, the sky is falling”.  We did not believe him at first, he is always making up stories.  We said the sky is not falling, chicken little kiev.

RUSSIAN GUY:          Maybe it’s time to send Bruce Willis into space and after Die Hard 5, he should never return again.

RUSSIAN GUY:          I think God should be held accountable for what he has done.   We should overthrow his regime.   Until he is brought to justice, I will no longer drink wine or tiny pieces of bread.

RUSSIAN GIRL:         I heard Vladimir Putin wrestled the rock from the sky and crushed it with his bare hands.   He has saved us all.

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved