This weekends sketches

wrote 3 sketches this weekend.

One sketch is a football sketch which I submitted to FFS.   Was pretty pleased with it, I felt it was pretty tight.   Let's see how that goes.   Depending on if they take it or not depends on whether i post it.

One sketch is on Obama and Kamala.   I wasn't so pleased with that sketch as I was experimenting a little bit with escalation.   I felt it rambled but let's see how it goes.   Submitted that to Treason Show but I suspect they won't use it because it's a little late and a little long and too close to their next show.   Also I didn't think it was my best sketch.
Also submitted to newsrevue.   For same reasons not so confident that they will run with it.

Depending on what happens, I'll post those sketches up soon.

Third sketch was a little fun one i posted up on the BCG forums here in a fun little weekly comp they run.   I really really enjoyed writing this fun little monologue.

Here it in anyways.  The topic was obituaries.

BBC News Announcer

We're saddened to announce the death of Her Majesty The Queen.
The Queen is one of the most loved and dedicated monarchs to ever reign.
Always there for her subjects whenever we needed to errrrr post things (beat) or buy stuff.

We'll miss her big royal face on our letters and coins. 
Well at least her right cheek, we've never seen her left cheek. 
She seemed to have had a tattoo of a lion or a big gate thing where her left cheek should be.
She probably should have seen a doctor about that, maybe that's what killed her.

Anyways the world moves on. The biscuits and jam guy will take over from her. 
And we will need much bigger coins and stamps to accommodate his great big ears.
It won't be the same!!!!
Long live email and paypal!!!! 

Some of the sketches that I've written

So I thought I would post some of my sketches earlier that i've written in the past month that have had some decent success :)

Vampire Benefit Tourists - was performed by The Treason Show in March 2013

Wonga.com - was performed by newsrevue for 3 weeks in March 2013

Pope's last day at work - I think was recorded but cut by newsjack

Pope Factor - good feedback from newsrevue although not taken as they were running their own pope factor type sketches

ways to avoid drone attacks - recorded but cut in the edit by newsjack


aaaaand here are the ones that didn't have so much success :)

russian meteories

disneyladen

jocklands

lunchpod

missile defence

There are a few sketches that I haven't published, i.e. the recent ones that are submitted for other shows etc.

I will try and publish them later at an appropriate time.

Hope that you enjoy them

Sketch: Missile Defence

And another one that no-one picked up.   Not surprised on this one to be honest:

CHIEF SCIENTIST:   So, we’ve been told we need to bolster our missile defences to prevent a possible nuclear attack from North Korea.   What ideas do we have?

Everyone sounds confused

ALL:                              Errr, urrrrr

CHIEF SCIENTIST:   Come on we must have some ideas.   Just say what you think.   No idea is too stupid.

SCIENTIST 1:             How about a giant fishing net that catches the missiles.

CHIEF SCIENTIST:   Okay, no idea is too stupid (beat) apart from that idea
Anything else?

SCIENTIST 2:             How about a giant tennis net, that bounces the missile all the way back to North Korea?

CHIEF SCIENTIST:   And then a roadrunner goes meep meep.
Does anyone have an idea that doesn’t assume WylE Coyote is firing acme missiles at us.

SCIENTIST 1:             We could rig the GPS satellites so it thinks that Alaska is where France is.

CHIEF SCIENTIST:   Won’t Britain be annoyed?

SCIENTIST 1:             Nope they hate the little cheese munchers as much as we do

CHIEF SCIENTIST:   No, I mean annoyed about the nuclear fallout

SCIENTIST 1:             There wouldn’t be any
According to Britain for them to be affected by a giant fallout cloud, we’d need to hit
(..)
Iceland
And we don’t know where that is anyways.  
We think it might be in Nebraska

CHIEF SCIENTIST:   So what’s the worst-case scenario if the missile shield fails.

SCIENTIST 2:             Well, at the worst.  It’ll hit Alaska.   And will kill thousands of errr (..) bears

CHIEF SCIENTIST:   Doesn’t Sarah Palin do that anyways?

SCIENTIST 2:             And the fallout will make the land totally uninhabitable

CHIEF SCIENTIST: Errrrrr, Why are we spending money on this again?
Just build the tennis net.

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

Sketch: Vampire benefit tourists

And on week 4 of my writing.   The treason show picked up this sketch on benefit tourists.

Unfortunately I only found out about it a few weeks ago and missed the show, so never saw this performed.

Vampire Benefit Tourists

ANNOUNCER:           In 2014, William Hague is worried about the influx of Romanian benefit tourists coming to the UK.   The following is an intercepted advert trying to attract Romanian Vampires to the UK.

Done in the style of a visit Scotland Advert

Background music should be some scottishy pipey music.

ANNOUNCER 1:       In Transylvania, you vampires can only go out at night!!!   Here, we have no sunshine!!!   Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Scotland.

ANNOUNCER 2:       Self-conscious about your sticky outy bad vampire teeth.   
You could wait for months to get them fixed on the NHS in London.   Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Scotland!!!
(beat)
our dentists have no queues.
(..)

ANNOUNCER 1:       Afraid of Garlic?   Just drinking the blood of one Frenchman could kill you.
Here, we have no Garlic (beat) or any vegetables!!!   Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Scotland.

ANNOUNCER 2:       Are you scared of being burned with holy water?  
All our priests are in prison or have taken early retirement
(beat)
and nobody washes. 
Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Scotland!!

ANNOUNCER 1:       And the most surprising thing about Scotland is that you won’t be hunted.   Yes, we have no posh twats on bicycles calling themselves “Boris Johnston: Vampire Hunter”

BORIS:                        (stupid boris noises)
first the foxes, now bloody vampires.
can’t even kill them, because I’ve eaten the stupid bloody stake.
(stupid boris noises)

ANNOUNCER 1:       In Scotland, you are safe from posh vampire hunters.  In-fact, we don’t even have anyone posh at all!!

ANNOUNCER 2:       As of 2014, anybody can work here, no work permit required.   You too can be as happy as this Romanian living and working and Scotland as a math teacher.

COUNT

VON COUNT:             I am the count that likes to count!!!   Only 365 days until you can live here too!!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!   Let’s count down the days, 1 ah ah ah!!!

ANNOUNCER 2:       So, if you are pale, have bad teeth, are scared of vegetables and can’t move on from the past.  
Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Romania!!
(beat) especially if independence doesn’t work out.

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

sketch: pope factor

This sketch got pretty good feedback from newsrevue.   They were running their own popefactor sketch.   Different aspect.   I focused on judges they were focusing on individuals.   Was still pretty happy with it though.

Was starting to feel my writing was improving

Pope Factor

JOHN SMITH:             Welcome to the Pope Factor, the auditions.   Let’s see which one of the hopefuls makes it through to Conclave.

PLAY X-Factor music

NICOLE:                      What’s your name?

CARDINAL:                 Cardinal Goody-two-shoesy-o.   This is my dream all I ever wanted.   God told me to come to the auditons today.

NICOLE:                      Okay, sweetie, sing your song!!!

CARDINAL:                 Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya

NICOLE:                      Stop, stop!!!!   No, baby, no!!!  
We’re not looking for Psalms.
We’re looking for something Psalm-az-ing!!!

                                      Gary, what do you think?

GARY:                          My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the papacy business, don't. 

CARDINAL X:             Hello, I’m Cardinal O’Malley.  I’ve been Choirmaster for the teenage trainee priest programme with cardinal o’brien for the last 10 years.

Nicole:                         All the girls and buys at home are gonna love him.

GARY:                          I think that might be the problem!!!!

NICOLE:                      So what’s your name, my little sweetie balls?

BEELZEBUB:             I am Satan, the Dark Lord!!!

LOUIS:                         Dark Lord, I actually think you might be the dark horse of this competition.

NICOLE:                      So what makes you think you have the pope-factor.

BEELZEBUB:             It’s all I ever wanted.   It’s been my dream since I was a small spawn.

NICOLE:                      You’re so cute, you’re like a little devil.   You can be my little Satanballs.   You’re through to Conclave.

LOUIS:                   I think he’s a little less controversial than the last pope we had.

JESUS:                        Hi, I’m Cardinal Jesus.

NICOLE:                      What are you gonna sing?

<to the tune of 500 miles>

JESUS:                        If I would have 5 hundred fish and you would need 5 thousand more.   I could be the man that’d turn a thousand fish and loaves down on the shore.

NICOLE:                      Oh no sweetie, we want something a little less proclaimer and a little more saviour.

LOUIS:                         Well, you look like a pope-star and sound like a pope-star to me.

                                      I want you in my final three!!!

GARY:                          The papacy needs to move forward.   You’d still have him turning water into wine.   Who’s next?

CARDINAL

ANGELO:                    I’m Cardinal Angelo

NICOLE:                      Now sweetie.   We want to avoid any scandals.   No choir boys, no priests?

ANGELO:                    I’m Italian.   I only do heterosexual scandals with my buddy Silvio.
Now, how you doin’?

NICOLE:                      Well, it’s a yes, yes, yes (screaming slightly) from me

LOUS:                          Pick up the phones and vote for him, he’s a yes from me.

GARY:                          You’ve got a holy trinity of yes’s, you’re through to conclave.

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

sketch: pope's last day at work

I think this was recorded by newsjack and cut as well.    Third week of wriitng, was pretty pleased :)

Pope's last day at work

AIDE:                            So last day at work pope, we’ve just got one last mass to do and we’re done.

POPE:                          No, I think I want to watch a video.

AIDE:                            Well, you can’t!!!

POPE:                          Well, I’m still in-charge and I wanna watcha video.
I was thinking
(beat)
Nuns-On-The-Run

                                      Oh, that whoopi Goldberg, I’d like to make some whoopy with her

<shocked>

AIDE:                            Pope!!!  Three Hail Mary’s for that sort of talk

<excited>

POPE:                          Three Mary’s, now we’re talking!!!

AIDE:                            Enough of that Pope.  You’re still pope until tomorrow.  So behave like it.

                                      Please tell me you are not planning any last day pranks? We still haven’t recovered from that fake shroud that Pope Gregory 12^th left in Turin when he resigned.  

POPE:                          I was thinking of maybe walking on water later.  I saw dynamo the magician do this on the river thames.  It’s a good trick!! 

AIDE:                            Oh God!!!

POPE:                          Hey, if you wanna speak to him, you still have to come through me, well until tomorrow at least.

AIDE:                            Sorry your holyness!!!

POPE:                          It’s okay!!!  Shall we play a board game?  Isn’t it traditional to play games on your last day?

AIDE:                            Ludo?

POPE:                          I was thinking (…) Risk.

                                      I will place my armies in Europe.

<sighs, nostgalically>

                                      ah, this reminds me of my youth.

POPE:                          Are you going to come along to my leaving do tonight?

                                      I was thinking some brandy and cigars with the cardinals

AIDE:                            You can’t have cigars; those idiots outside will think we’ve elected another pope!!!

                                      Anyways with all these scandals, the cardinals shouldn’t really be seen drinking.

POPE:                          hey, it’s okay; I will just bless some of the wine.   We’ll call it communion.

AIDE:                            I’m sorry Pope, we can’t come but we’re all gonna miss you though.   The cardinals signed this bible for you as a small momento.
I don’t think Cardinal O’Brien is happy with you though.

POPE:                          I can see that.
Pope Eunt Domus.

                                      They Pope House.
I think he means “Pope go Home”

                                      It should say Pope Vade in domum       .
Brien should know much better than that!!

 <Excitedly>

                                      Make him write it out properly a 100 times before I go or I’ll cut his balls off.

<please note the last bit is a take on the monty python life of brian

scene, hopefully it’s not too subtle>

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved