Some of the sketches that I've written

So I thought I would post some of my sketches earlier that i've written in the past month that have had some decent success :)

Vampire Benefit Tourists - was performed by The Treason Show in March 2013

Wonga.com - was performed by newsrevue for 3 weeks in March 2013

Pope's last day at work - I think was recorded but cut by newsjack

Pope Factor - good feedback from newsrevue although not taken as they were running their own pope factor type sketches

ways to avoid drone attacks - recorded but cut in the edit by newsjack


aaaaand here are the ones that didn't have so much success :)

russian meteories

disneyladen

jocklands

lunchpod

missile defence

There are a few sketches that I haven't published, i.e. the recent ones that are submitted for other shows etc.

I will try and publish them later at an appropriate time.

Hope that you enjoy them

Sketch: Vampire benefit tourists

And on week 4 of my writing.   The treason show picked up this sketch on benefit tourists.

Unfortunately I only found out about it a few weeks ago and missed the show, so never saw this performed.

Vampire Benefit Tourists

ANNOUNCER:           In 2014, William Hague is worried about the influx of Romanian benefit tourists coming to the UK.   The following is an intercepted advert trying to attract Romanian Vampires to the UK.

Done in the style of a visit Scotland Advert

Background music should be some scottishy pipey music.

ANNOUNCER 1:       In Transylvania, you vampires can only go out at night!!!   Here, we have no sunshine!!!   Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Scotland.

ANNOUNCER 2:       Self-conscious about your sticky outy bad vampire teeth.   
You could wait for months to get them fixed on the NHS in London.   Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Scotland!!!
(beat)
our dentists have no queues.
(..)

ANNOUNCER 1:       Afraid of Garlic?   Just drinking the blood of one Frenchman could kill you.
Here, we have no Garlic (beat) or any vegetables!!!   Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Scotland.

ANNOUNCER 2:       Are you scared of being burned with holy water?  
All our priests are in prison or have taken early retirement
(beat)
and nobody washes. 
Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Scotland!!

ANNOUNCER 1:       And the most surprising thing about Scotland is that you won’t be hunted.   Yes, we have no posh twats on bicycles calling themselves “Boris Johnston: Vampire Hunter”

BORIS:                        (stupid boris noises)
first the foxes, now bloody vampires.
can’t even kill them, because I’ve eaten the stupid bloody stake.
(stupid boris noises)

ANNOUNCER 1:       In Scotland, you are safe from posh vampire hunters.  In-fact, we don’t even have anyone posh at all!!

ANNOUNCER 2:       As of 2014, anybody can work here, no work permit required.   You too can be as happy as this Romanian living and working and Scotland as a math teacher.

COUNT

VON COUNT:             I am the count that likes to count!!!   Only 365 days until you can live here too!!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!   Let’s count down the days, 1 ah ah ah!!!

ANNOUNCER 2:       So, if you are pale, have bad teeth, are scared of vegetables and can’t move on from the past.  
Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Romania!!
(beat) especially if independence doesn’t work out.

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

Some further points about improving my sketch writing

Soooooo,

I've stepped back a little bit for a second thinking about my sketches.

Some quick thoughts:

Good Points

• Getting better at finding punchlines (probably got a bit to go yet)
• Getting much better at finding the sound of the character.
• Lots of funny jokes throughout the dialogs

Bad Points

• Not really creating an action / scene.   I still tend towards funny dialog.   (I think this will be my next focus).    Creating drama etc
• Not really moved out of the non-topical arena (struggling to write non-topical sketches)
• Writing for existing characters (need to learn to create my own)

Will post some actual sketches soon!!!

Sketch writing: Taking stock!!!

So i started sketch writing at the beginning of february.   In-fact the first week of newsjack.   So i think it's about one month.

In that time, I have written:

• 12 topical sketches (which have either been submitted to newsjack, treason show or newsrevue)
• 1 non-topical sketch
• 4 song parodies

I took one week off from writing sketches

of those 12 topical sketches:

• One is currently being performed at Newsrevue
• One was definitely performed but cut at the edit of Newsjack
• One may have been performed and cut at the edit of Newsjack
• One was close to making it at newsrevue (was a sketch called pope factor but was heavily based on the judges), newsrevue contact me about it as they wered doing a different type of pope factor sketch, said they couldn't use it for that reason.   however asked for suggestions on different characters.  one of my suggestions (gok wan) was developed by them (i didn't write it and it was probably just a coincidence).

i have no idea if treason show used any of my sketches (a little frustrating not seeing a running order).

As far as i am aware nobody has used my songs :(

Anyways.   I feel that this is amazing progress for my first month of sketch writing.   I will try and post up sketches as I remember.

Whooo, sketch writing, love it.   on that point, time to write some :)

Song Parody: Mr Ed

So this is a pretty obvious song parody.   I don't think anyone used it, lol.   I am really bad at these parodies.   They only seem to keep me entertained, ah well.

I submitted to both treason show and newsrevue.   Newsrevue didn't use it, no idea about the treason show (no running order)

This one is on the horsemeat scandal in the UK.

Mr Ed
-----------

a meatball's a horse, of course of course

and no one can be sure of the horses source

that is of course, it'sa Findus horse

You ate some Mister Ed

Go to a race course and pick your horse

and if he cannot manage to fin-ish first

can always be the entree course

Death to Mister Ed

People snack-it-ti-snack their meal

and hope that it's fillet

but wait until findus reveal

your pancakes used to neigh

a meatball's a horse, of course of course

and no longer can mcdonalds be called the worst

you never ate a drugged up horse

well, thanks findus…

I ate Mister Ed

Song Parody: he touched you whoops

something is telling me i can't get the hang of this song parody lark.   I submitted this onto to the treason show, no idea if they used it or not.   I don't get the running order and I'm in India just now, so I can't see the show.

Anyways, this is a parody of "we saw your boobs" by seth mcfarlane during the oscars.   It's based on the Lord Rennard scandal.

hope someone likes it

---

he touched you whoops

he touched you whoops

at the time, we can't recall, he touched you whoops

Bridget Harris he touched you whoops at conference,

alison smith, after wine

Councillor Susan, he touched you whoops in peterborough

it's something that lord rennard does deny

Unnamed Woman, he touched you whoops but we were doubting

Alison Smith, you said to Jo and Paul

Bridget Harris, you told ros scott

sorry that we did diddly squat,

but nick doesn't seem to remember bugger all

he touched you whoops

he touched you whoops

yeah, you already told us, he touched you whoops

sandra gidley, you warned us whoops in nicks abode

and we forgot because we are morons

menzies campbell, he also forgot to mention

betty rubble he touched you on the flintstones

yet another woman, he touched you whoops in the office

nick clegg, you seem a bit confused

you may have told lord rennard good bye

but  you don't have any idea why

though you kinda think that you probably might have knew

TODO

he touched you whoops

he touched you whoops

2 new song parodies

Haven't written any sketches this weekend yet.   Been chilling out.

I did write 2 new song parodies this week.    One of the songs has been submitted to the treason show and newsrevue.   The other song, I am just finishing up and will submit later today.   Will post the lyrics to these songs later on this week.

Will probably sit down and try and write some sketches in a few minutes

Song: Eat all around Lit

So I wrote this song parody about a month ago, submitted to both newsrevue and the treason show.   Didn't make it on either show.   It's not a massively funny song but I kinda liked it.   It was based on the idea by Eric Pickles to put coffee shops in libraries like they do with book stores.

The original song was by Emile Sande and the tune is to Read All about It Part III.

Anyways, as I said, I can't sing so can't record it but hope someone likes it :))

Eat all around Lit

You've got the words to change a nation

but you're biting no bun

You've spent a life time stuck in silence

when you could hear a till be rung

if no-one's ever here there'll be no librarian

so costa, costa,

costa, costa

You've got a tum as big as pickles

so why let your hunger be tamed

Baby, we're a little thirsty

let your bladder be enflamed

you've got a flat white in the shadows

so stop hiding biscotti

costa, costa

I want icing, I want it now

I want ice-cream till the cows dry out

so put it in all of the libraries

I get hungry <pronounced hungray>

they can eat all around lit

eat all around lit oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

And now we're munching up some super fudge

While we read some Judy Blume

Drinking some more espresso, yeah

And listening to this tune

This municipal building is now living

And not another urban ruin

so costa, costa

costa,  costa

Lets get the librarian or the barista

To bring our drinks again

it's about time we got more caffeine, as you are just my friend

I've got fifty shades of grey,

theres no need to go to bed

Costa, Costa

I want icing, I want it now

I want ice-cream till the cows dry out

so put it in all of the libraries

I get hungry

they can eat all around lit

eat all around lit oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

yeah, we're all reading 'bout liar pants armstrong

who's biography is classed as fiction.

now we're finally hearing the real thing.

So grab a bun, sit with me and drink this

Yeah its a wonderful, chemical confession

And the drugs are listed by dewey decimal

And now we finally found what is missing

So grab a bun, sit with me and drink this

I want icing, I want it now

I want ice-cream till the cows dry out

so put it in all of the libraries

I get hungry

they can eat all around lit

eat all around lit oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh

I want icing, I want it now

I want ice-cream till the cows dry out

so put it in all of the libraries

I get hungry

they can eat all around lit

eat all around lit oh

Song: Tribute

I wrote this song about a month ago and submitted it both to Newsrevue and The Treason Show.   It never made it on either shows.   Rather than letting it gather virtual dust on my hard disk,  I thought I might post it up here.

I can't sing for toffee, so i can't record it.   It was written at the time when the government was performing a review of the conservate / liberal coalition.   The parody is to the tune of Tribute by Tenacious D.    Tbh, it probably doesn't sing well out loud but it was my first attempt

Anyways, hope someone likes it :))

Tribute

This is the greatest and best coalition in the world.  tribute.

About 3 years ago, me and my brother Dave here….

we was walking down a long election road.

All of a sudden, there shined a shiny Queen at the end of the road.

And she said:

"Make the best government in the world or I'll kick your balls"

Well me and Dave,… we looked at each other, and we each said…

"Okay."

And we said the first thing that came to our heads,

Just so happened to be,

The best speech in the world,

It was the best speech in the world.

Look into my eyes and it's easy to see

One and one make two,

two and one make three,

It was policy

Once every hundred-thousand years or so

When the parliaments hung

And the PM won't go

And Dave did blowwwwww

Needless to say,

the queen was stunned

a quick stamp with her royal seal

and the government was formed

she asked us (snort):

"(snort) BE you Blairs Girls?"

And we said,

"Nay, we're dave and clegg"

Cocks!!!

Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahn,

Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!

This is not the greatest government in the world, no.  This is just a tribute.

Couldn't remember the greatest government in the world.  No!!

This is a tribute, oh

To the greatest coalition in the world,

All right!!! <nick clegg> (and centre)

It was the greatest coalition in the world!!

All right!

And it was the best mother fuckin' coalition.

The greatest government in the world!!!

BEE, TOOGIE-GOOGIE-GOO Dave, GOOGLE-FLIGGLE-GIGGLE

A-FLIGGLE-GIGGLE, D-Dave

YOGA-GO Dave, YOGA-BOGA-GOGA-Dave

FLIGGLE-GIGGLE, DIGGA Conservative

And the peculiar thing is this my friends"

the coalition that we formed on that fateful night, it didn't actually sound anything like this government.

This is just a tribute,  you gotta believe it

And I wish you were there!!

Just a matter of opinion

And a haha fuck!!

Good god, clegg loving'

It's no surprise to find you can't stop it

I'm Liberal Democrat, I found!

Rich motherfucker conservative

oooooh aaah

All right! <nick clegg> (errrr centre)

All right!!