sketch: pope factor

This sketch got pretty good feedback from newsrevue.   They were running their own popefactor sketch.   Different aspect.   I focused on judges they were focusing on individuals.   Was still pretty happy with it though.

Was starting to feel my writing was improving

Pope Factor

JOHN SMITH:             Welcome to the Pope Factor, the auditions.   Let’s see which one of the hopefuls makes it through to Conclave.

PLAY X-Factor music

NICOLE:                      What’s your name?

CARDINAL:                 Cardinal Goody-two-shoesy-o.   This is my dream all I ever wanted.   God told me to come to the auditons today.

NICOLE:                      Okay, sweetie, sing your song!!!

CARDINAL:                 Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya

NICOLE:                      Stop, stop!!!!   No, baby, no!!!  
We’re not looking for Psalms.
We’re looking for something Psalm-az-ing!!!

                                      Gary, what do you think?

GARY:                          My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the papacy business, don't. 

CARDINAL X:             Hello, I’m Cardinal O’Malley.  I’ve been Choirmaster for the teenage trainee priest programme with cardinal o’brien for the last 10 years.

Nicole:                         All the girls and buys at home are gonna love him.

GARY:                          I think that might be the problem!!!!

NICOLE:                      So what’s your name, my little sweetie balls?

BEELZEBUB:             I am Satan, the Dark Lord!!!

LOUIS:                         Dark Lord, I actually think you might be the dark horse of this competition.

NICOLE:                      So what makes you think you have the pope-factor.

BEELZEBUB:             It’s all I ever wanted.   It’s been my dream since I was a small spawn.

NICOLE:                      You’re so cute, you’re like a little devil.   You can be my little Satanballs.   You’re through to Conclave.

LOUIS:                   I think he’s a little less controversial than the last pope we had.

JESUS:                        Hi, I’m Cardinal Jesus.

NICOLE:                      What are you gonna sing?

<to the tune of 500 miles>

JESUS:                        If I would have 5 hundred fish and you would need 5 thousand more.   I could be the man that’d turn a thousand fish and loaves down on the shore.

NICOLE:                      Oh no sweetie, we want something a little less proclaimer and a little more saviour.

LOUIS:                         Well, you look like a pope-star and sound like a pope-star to me.

                                      I want you in my final three!!!

GARY:                          The papacy needs to move forward.   You’d still have him turning water into wine.   Who’s next?

CARDINAL

ANGELO:                    I’m Cardinal Angelo

NICOLE:                      Now sweetie.   We want to avoid any scandals.   No choir boys, no priests?

ANGELO:                    I’m Italian.   I only do heterosexual scandals with my buddy Silvio.
Now, how you doin’?

NICOLE:                      Well, it’s a yes, yes, yes (screaming slightly) from me

LOUS:                          Pick up the phones and vote for him, he’s a yes from me.

GARY:                          You’ve got a holy trinity of yes’s, you’re through to conclave.

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved