sketch: russian meteorites

Another one of my early sketches.   This was at the time of the russian meteorites.  I submitted this to newsjack.   wasn't used :(

JUSTIN:                       A meteorite has crashed into the earth injuring hundreds of people.   We now cut across to Chelyabinsk for their reactions on seeing the meteorite.

<These should be done in the style of small interview snippet quotes.   Almost JackApp Style>.   Any cast member that can do a bad Russian accent could do the snippets.

RUSSIAN GIRL:         My son came into the room and said, “Mother, I can see a large bright glowing rock in the distance”.   I said aleksandr, do not worry, this is normal.   It’s just one of the rocks by the nuclear factory.

RUSSIAN GUY:          This meteorite has destroyed my factory.   I will now have to send my daughter into prostitution.   But worse, I will have to get a job with CompareTheMarket.   You stupid English, you think we all sound like meerkats.

RUSSIAN GUY:          At first we thought North Korea was testing their new long distance missile launch system, a giant catapult.

RUSSIAN GIRL:         My son was shouting, “the sky is falling, the sky is falling”.  We did not believe him at first, he is always making up stories.  We said the sky is not falling, chicken little kiev.

RUSSIAN GUY:          Maybe it’s time to send Bruce Willis into space and after Die Hard 5, he should never return again.

RUSSIAN GUY:          I think God should be held accountable for what he has done.   We should overthrow his regime.   Until he is brought to justice, I will no longer drink wine or tiny pieces of bread.

RUSSIAN GIRL:         I heard Vladimir Putin wrestled the rock from the sky and crushed it with his bare hands.   He has saved us all.

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

sketch: disneyladen

This was the second sketch I ever wrote.  no shows took it on.   Although newsjack did a run a similar sketch on the same subject.  didn't use mine though :(

OSAMA should have ridiculous arab accent of course

The Pakistani city where Osama Bin Laden was found and killed by US special forces is building an amusement park in the hope of boosting tourism.

PLAY CARNIVAL / CIRCUS STYLE MUSIC

OSAMA :                      Ladies and Gentleman, Welcome to disneyladen

<Should be carnival ringmaster style, shouting, rhythmic almost poetic>

OSAMA:                       step right up, step right up, come closer, you won’t belieeeeeeve your eyes.   Behind this curtain is the ugliest most hideous bearded lady, or is it just me in disguise. <CACKLE evily>

OSAMA:                       step right up, step right up.  Why not try my shooting gallery.

PLAY Shooting Gallery style music

OSAMA:                       shoot the evil western Donald Duck, win a cuddly bear

A few Donald duck quacks should be thrown in with the shoot gallery music

PLAY AK47 Gunfire

A fizzled out dead Donald duck noise

OSAMA:                       Maybe that game is too easy

PLAY CARNIVAL / CIRCUS STYLE MUSIC

OSAMA:                       step right up, step right up.   Come.  See my cave of wonders.   The cave I lived in whilst you wondered where I was.

OSAMA:                       feast your eyes on its many hidden treasures,  such as my magic carpet.  I mean my bed!!!

PLAY Haunted Music

OSAMA:                       step right up, step right up.  Prepared to be scared.  Visit the scariest place on this planet.   Muhahahaha. 
The haunted mansion <said in a deep muhaha type way>
Or as I called it, home!!
Wasn’t originally haunted, it is now!!!!

OSAMA:                       See the paintings with the moving eyes.   The CIA really needs to improve their bugging equipment.

OSAMA:                       Be afraid of the headless horseman, or Abu the Chauffeur as he was known.   That’ll teach him to feast his eyes on one of my many wives.

OSAMA:                       Yes, This house has hosted some of scariest monsters you can imagine, such as meeeeeeeeee.

PLAY CARNIVAL / CIRCUS STYLE MUSIC

OSAMA:                       We hope you enjoyed your time at disneyladen.  And you will come again.
The park is now closing but before you leave…
step right up, step right up enjoy the most amazing fireworks above the haunted mansion swimming pool.  Best views are by the navy seal enclosure.  

Firework / Gunfire noises

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

Sketch: Jocklands

This was the very first sketch that I ever wrote.   I still kinda like it.   I am a little bit biased though.  no shows took it either, lol

Jocklands

<Both characters should be quite serious well spoken civil service politiciany types>

Male Politician:          First item on the foreign office agenda is Falkland Islands.  
Second Item is Scottish Independence

Female Politician:     Surely that is a matter for the home office

Male Politician:          Not if they win, they’ll be foreign.

Male Politician:          Hang on…

                                      We said we’d give the Scottish people a vote on them becoming an independent country
We just didn’t say where that independent country is.
If they vote yes, we could move the scots to the falklands.

Female Politician:     We could call it The Jocklands

Female Politician:     I dunno, are you sure they will go for it, it’s a hostile barren forsaken land.

Male Politician:          Exactly, they’ll be glad to get away from Scotland.

Female Politician:     What about the Argentinians?  Surely they won’t be happy.

Male Politician:          Are you kidding me?   It would be a huge boost for the Argentinian economy.
Since the hand of god in 1986, Scotland has been the biggest purchaser of the Argentina flag and replica jerseys outside of Argentina.

Female Politician:     It’s a win-win.   We sorta keep the falklands.   Argentina has got the next best thing to their own colony. 

Male Politician:          And with Scottish Argentinian relations it would mean in about 20 years time, Scotland would maybe have a decent football team

Female Politician:     Diego Maradonald.
Do you think Scotland will go for it then?

Male Politician:          I think so, I think it would be nice for Scotland to finally have neighbours they actually like.
And if not, we’ll tell them about the tax-free alcohol.

Female Politician:     Well even if they don’t there are ½ million sheep in the Falklands.   We can always try the Welsh!!!

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

Sketch: Lunchpod

This is one of the first sketches I ever wrote.  It's a little bit wordy!  Didn't make any shows.

I think it's something I could come back to in the future.   

Maybe do another blue peter type sketch or an another ipod parody with the same concepts.

Anyways, here it is:

Lunchpod

SIR JONATHAN IVE TENDS IS QUITE GEEKY AND EXCITABLE BUT

FAIRLY QUIET AND MILD MANNERED.

Although the actual blue peter presenter was a Barney Harwood.  No reason it couldn’t

be Helen Skelton.

PRESENTER:            Welcome to a very special episode of Blue Peter.  Today we are at Apple with Senior Vice President of Design, Sir Jonathan Ive.

PRESENTER:            So Jonny, we set a competition for the viewers, to design a lunchbox.  Any tips you can give?

JONNY:                       Does Richard Bacon still have any cocaine or weed kicking around?

PRESENTER:            I was meaning, if Apple were to design it, what sort of thing could we expect.

JONNY:                       Well, at Apple.   We try not to be narrow by using words such as box.  That word tends to limit thinking and bring cube or square like designs.  We would instead call it the lunchPod.  

JONNY:                       And it would be really small

<pause>

JONNY:                       And box shaped
And it would fit in your pocket of course.

PRESENTER:            Fit in your pocket?  Surely that would be too small to store your lunch in.

JONNY:                       Oh, it wouldn’t be any good at storing your lunch.  Why would you want to use it for that? 
You wouldn’t use the iPhone for phoning people.   Haha, silly person.

JONNY:                       Anyways, as a special surprise, here is one we made earlier.  
Hopefully this should inspire those budding young minds in the competition.

JONNY:                       You can play games on it; it has a school lesson planner and even turn-by-turn directions to your classrooms.

PRESENTER:            Yes, there were a few complaints about that.   It seems that using Lunchpod Apple Maps, some of the kids fell into the swimming pool on their way to the classroom.

JONNY:                       Well, they shouldn’t be following it blindly

PRESENTER:            Or at all

PRESENTER:            The lunchPod is really pretty Jonny but we really did want you to design something that could store more than just a supermodels lunch. 

JONNY:                       Well, for that, you would really need to upgrade to the lunchPad.   It even comes with a cold compartment to keep your milk fresh.

PRESENTER:            We tried that also Jonny but some of the kids were complaining that their milk was sour by lunchtime.

JONNY:                       Ah yes, well.  The battery for the cold compartment only lasts about an hour.  You should probably keep it plugged in.  Or you could try switching off the 3G and location data

PRESENTER:            The kids were also saying that the lunchPod leaks.

JONNY:                       Ah, no.  The kids are clearly holding it wrong.

PRESENTER:            No, they aren’t.  It’s a fault in the design.

JONNY:                       It’s not a fault in the design but as a goodwill gesture to the non-geniuses who can’t hold a lunchbox properly.

PRESENTER:            They are children!!

JONNY:                       Whatever!!  We’ve decided to give away a free bumper case, which you can wrap around your lunchPod.  Actually, to be honest, it’s just sticky back plastic.

PRESENTER             Well, we thank you Sir Jonny for showing how Apple design things and for inspiring the next generation of kids.  Hopefully, they will now realize that beauty is far more important than ability. 
How do you think we got this job after all?

PRESENTER:            And with that being said, we present you with the Gold Blue Peter badge.  Which is the highest award possible for the pretty but useless people of our nation.  You share this honor with previous winners such as David Beckham and Tom Daley.   We hope you enjoy it!!

JONNY:                       Thank you!!!

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved